Five ways to make peace with failure.
Let’s face it. We all make mistakes.
Most of us know that failure is a reality of life, and at some
level, we understand that it actually helps us grow. Intellectually, we even
acknowledge that the greatest achievers -- past and present -- also routinely
experienced colossal failures.
But still, we hate to fail. We fear it, we dread it, and
when it does happen, we hold onto it. We give it power over our emotions,
and sometimes we allow it to dictate our way forward (or backward). Some
of us go to great lengths to avoid failure because of all the pain and shame
associated with it.
Why is it so hard to let go, forgive ourselves and move
on? And how can we keep failure – or the fear of it -- from derailing us?
Here are five strategies.
1. Don't make it personal. Separate the failure from your
identity. Just because you haven’t found a successful way of doing something
(yet) doesn’t mean you are a failure. These are completely
separate thoughts, yet many of us blur the lines between
them. Personalizing failure can wreak havoc on our self-esteem
and confidence.
There was a man who failed in business at age 21; was defeated
in a legislative race at age 22; failed again in business at 24; overcome the
death of his fiance at 26; had a nervous breakdown at 27; lost a congressional
race at 34; lost a senatorial race at age 45; failed to become Vice President
at age 47; lost a senatorial race at 49; and was elected as the President of
the United States at the age of 52. This man was Abraham Lincoln. He refused to
let his failures define him and fought against significant odds to achieve
greatness.
2. Take stock, learn and adapt. Look at the failure analytically --
indeed, curiously -- suspending feelings of anger,
frustration, blame or regret. Why did you fail? What might have produced a
better outcome? Was the failure completely beyond your control? After gathering
the facts, step back and ask yourself, what did I learn from
this? Think about how you will apply this newfound insight going
forward.
Thomas Edison reportedly failed 10,000 times while he was
inventing the light bulb. He was quoted as saying, "I have found 10,000
ways something won’t work. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt
discarded is another step forward.” The Wright brothers spent years working on
failed aircraft prototypes and incorporating their learning until they finally
got it right: a plane that could get airborne and stay there.
3. Stop dwelling on it. Obsessing over your failure will not change
the outcome. In fact, it will only intensify the outcome, trapping you in an
emotional doom-loop that disables you from moving on. You cannot change the
past, but you can shape your future. The faster you take a
positive step forward, the quicker you can leave these debilitating,
monopolizing thoughts behind.
Don Shula is the winning coach in the NFL, holding the record
for most career wins (including two Super Bowl victories) and the only perfect
season in NFL history.
Shula had a “24-hour rule,” a policy of looking forward instead
of dwelling on the past. The coach allowed himself, his staff and his players
24 hours to celebrate a victory or brood over a defeat. During those 24 hours,
Shula encouraged them to feel their emotions of success or failure as deeply as
they could. The next day, it was time to put it behind them and focus
their energy on preparing for their next challenge. His philosophy was that if
you keep your failures and victories in perspective, you’ll do better in the
long run.
4. Release the need for approval of others. Often our fear of failure is rooted in our
fear of being judged and losing others’ respect and esteem. We easily get
influenced (and spooked) by what people say about us. Remember, this is your life, not
theirs. What one person considers to be true about you is not
necessary the truth about you, and if you give too much power
to others’ opinions, it could douse your passion and confidence, undermining
your ability to ultimately succeed.
Oprah Winfrey was fired from her first TV job because someone
thought she was “unfit for TV.” Stephen King’s first book, Carrie, was
rejected by 30 publishers. Walt Disney was fired from his newspaper job
because he “lacked imagination and good ideas.” Winston Churchill failed
sixth grade and was considered “a dolt” by his teacher. Jerry Seinfeld was
booed off the stage the first time he tried comedy. Soichiro Honda was rejected
by an HR manager at Toyota Motor Corporation when he applied for an engineering
job, leaving him jobless until he began making scooters in his garage and
eventually founded Honda Motor Company. 'Nuff said.
5. Try a new point of view. Our upbringing – as people and
professionals – has given us an unhealthy attitude toward failure. One of
the best things you can do is to shift your perspective and belief system away
from the negative (“If I fail, it means I am stupid, weak, incapable,
and am destined to fall short”) and embrace more positive
associations (“If I fail, I am one step closer to succeeding; I am
smarter and more savvy because the knowledge I’ve gained through this
experience”).
Indeed, one can hardly find an historic or current-day success
story that isn’t also a story of great failure. And if you ask those who
have distinguished themselves through their achievements, they will tell you
that failure was a critical enabler of their success. It was their
motivator. Their teacher. A stepping stone along their path to
greatness. The difference between them and the average person is that
they didn’t give up.
Michael Jordan said it best: "I have missed more than 9,000
shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been
entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and
over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
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